No Way

Am I treating my partner right?
What causes abusive behaviour?
Getting out
Reasons for staying?

Sometimes relationships might not be healthy for us. If you or a friend is in a relationship that has any of these warning signs, you will probably want to consider talking to someone about what's going on, and consider ending the relationship.

It might be time to break up when the person I'm dating

• calls me names or makes me feel bad about myself
• threatens to spread rumours about me
• blames me for their behaviour
• is very jealous and tries to control where I go and who I talk to
• puts me down, but then tells me that they love me
• hits, slaps, or shoves me
• throws things at me
• does not let me see friends or family
• pressures or forces me to have sex when I don't want to
• threatens to harm me or themselves if I break up with them

This is abuse. The abuser and abused could be male or female and it can affect any type of relationship including friendship, or family. Abuse usually gets worse as the relationship continues. It can only stop if the abuser decides to stop. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve to be safe. If this is happening to you, it's probably a good idea to find someone to talk to.

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Am I treating my partner right?

Am I abusive? How do I know?

• Do you believe you should always be in charge of the relationship?
• Do you blame your boyfriend/girlfriend when you get angry?
• Do you prevent your boyfriend/girlfriend from spending time with others? Do you accuse him/her of flirting or sleeping with other guys/girls?
• Do you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend how to dress, how to talk, etc?
• Do you want to know where your boyfriend/girlfriend is every minute of the day?
• Do you get angry easily whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't do what you want them to do?
• Have you ever thrown things at, pushed, grabbed, hit or hurt your boyfriend/girlfriend?
• Has anyone ever questioned how you treat your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Abusive behaviour can be changed when the person who is abusive acknowledges that their behaviour is wrong and when they truly want to change. Often it is good to get help and support from a counsellor, friend or someone else you trust. These resources can offer help.

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What causes abusive behaviour?

It's hard to say why someone is abusive. One explanation is that we live in a world where we learn power messages when we are growing up: one is that violence is an okay way to resolve conflict. We might learn that from families, friends, TV, movies, or music.

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Getting out

Even when you know a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, you might end up staying in it. It's your decision whether or not to break up; only you know what's right for you. But it can also be dangerous to your emotional or physical health to stay, especially if your partner is not getting help to change their behaviour.

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Reasons for staying?

You feel that you love the person and hope they will change If the person you're with is abusing you, they might tell you that they'll change. It's important to see whether they actually do change their behaviour. Sometimes people say they'll change just so their partner will stay. People usually need a counsellor to help them change their behaviour.

You are afraid to be alone
This fear keeps many people in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive. It's better to find support than to stay in a bad relationship.

You are scared that you won't be able to get a new boy/girlfriend
Your partner might tell you that if you leave, you'll never get another boyfriend or girlfriend. This is a threat to try to control you.

You're scared that if you break up, the other person in the relationship will hurt you, or himself/herself.
If your partner threatens to hurt himself/herself, it's important to remember that even though you might feel bad and want to help them, you need to make your own decisions about leaving or staying. It is not okay for your partner to try to control you with these threats. If your partner threatens to hurt you if you leave, it's important to get help to make sure you stay safe.

If you think you might need help getting out of a relationship it's good to find someone who is trustworthy and who respects you. Try talking to a friend, counsellor, teacher or family member. If you or a friend needs support and would like to talk to someone who doesn't know you, call one of the youth clinics or check out the following teen resources

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