When?
There is no specific time or age when a person is ready for sex. It's a decision that is dependent on values and personal beliefs. There is, however, a legal age of consent that varies from country to country, just like how there's an age to legally drink or drive.
The First Time
For many people having sex for the first time is a big decision. Often sex is seen as mysterious because we don't get much information about it even though we see it all the time in the media and hear our friends talk about it. It's common to have questions about sex:
- When should I "do it"?
- What will it be like?
- How will I know what to do?
- How will I protect myself?
Visit the “Are you ready?” section for more info.
"I'm getting to know myself and my sexuality by learning about who I am, about my values, about what is important to me. I think sexuality is first and foremost something within an individual; and it changes from day to day, from different phases in one's life. But you have to know yourself before you can share yourself with someone else."
Female, 19
The First Time - Girls
It is common to feel concerned about having sex for the first time. A girl might feel worried about the possibility of pregnancy. Perhaps she feels like she is being pressured into it, or maybe she feels pressure not to have sex.
When a girl does decide to have sex she might have fears about losing her virginity and the possibility of pain or discomfort.
Sexual intercourse should not be painful. During vaginal sex, it may be uncomfortable if the vagina is not lubricated enough. One way to lessen the possibility of discomfort is to make sure that enough time is given to "foreplay", so that the girl feels turned on. When comfortable and turned on, the vagina becomes moist and expands, which lessens the possibility of discomfort.
The hymen is a small tissue that covers part of the opening of the vagina. Two common misconceptions are that the hymen is proof of virginity and that the first time will be painful because the hymen breaks when the penis goes into the vagina. Click HERE to see pictures of different hymens.
It is a myth that the hymen is proof of virginity. Not all girls have the same type of hymen. Some are small and some girls have no hymen at all. Hymens can "break" (or more realistically stretch) through many non-sexual activities, such as sports and wearing a tampon.
Therefore, depending on the "type" of hymen, the first sexual experience may stretch it, tear it or do nothing. If the hymen tears during sexual intercourse it may briefly hurt and there may be a small amount of bleeding. If you don't experience pain or bleeding the first time you have intercourse, it does not mean that you weren't a virgin.
"The first time I had sex, I was afraid of a lot of stuff. I was a little afraid of getting pregnant. Even though I was on the pill! I was afraid of what this meant about me... here I was a seventeen year old girl having sex with my eighteen year old boyfriend. None of my close friends were having sex yet, so I kind of felt alienated. On the other side of that, though, it made me feel special...like my boyfriend and I had something secretive and new to share"
Female, 20
The First Time - Guys
There is a lot of pressure in society for guys to feel interested in sex. For many guys, having intercourse is seen as the first real sign of being a man, and there can be pressure to "perform."
Worries about performance are common because of pressure put on males to be sexually active, and to be "cool" and confident during sex. It is a recipe for disaster if a guy chooses to have sex because he is scared not to, or because of what his friends might say. It's good to be prepared for sex. Good preparation means feeling comfortable about and understanding the decision you are about to make.
The reality is that most guys are scared the first time they have sex. They might pretend to be cool and in control, when they really don't feel that way at all. Often guys are worried that they won't be good at sex or that they won't be able to get an erection.
"I remember the first time I had sex. I wasn't the ever cool confident male. It was with my summer sweetheart the last night of summer and probably the last time we'd be together until next summer, or worse, ever. We both wanted to do it but we were nervous. We talked about it. We decided that we were ready. I say it now like it was nothing, but it was a big moment.
I got some condoms and I hid them from my parents. It was hard putting one on the first time. I was glad I had more than one 'cause half way through putting one on the first time I lost my erection. I was a nervous wreck. But we persevered and got a new condom. This time it worked. My erection probably lasted for a full minute or maybe a minute and a half and the big mystery of sex was over. It wasn't wonderful it was a lot of work and kinda stressful and I thought: That was sex? What's the big deal? Sex is overrated. We snuggled for a bit and went our separate ways. She will always have a special place in my heart."
Male, 22
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